我看了看手表，下午3点20。我在电话上已经一个多小时了，这段时间几乎都是在听弗兰克抱怨他的老板布兰登。弗兰克是科技公司 Jambo 的一名高管。我对这家公司非常熟悉：我以前和它们的 CEO 合作过，直到现在仍然与很多 Jambo工作人员保持联系，但是这家公司目前并不是我的客户。换句话说，我既不是在征询投诉，也不是在寻求反馈。

I looked at my watch. It was 3:20pm. I had been on the phone for over an hour, almost all of that time listening to Frank*, a senior manager at Jambo, a technology company, complain about his boss, Brandon. Jambo is a company I know well — I have many ongoing relationships there from when I used to work with their CEO — but they are not, currently, a client. In other words, I wasn’t soliciting complaints or asking for feedback.

弗兰克一直在吐槽布兰登：“他的注意力很分散——他开会时总是迟到，到了还会大摇大摆地走进会议室，然后跟我们分享他的新想法，而且他的想法很多时候完全偏离了我们目前的计划，完全无视会议议程。还有，不管我们做什么，他都要过问，老是爱把我们的工作重新安排一番，但他所忽略的事，我们却还是要负责。这还算小事，最糟的是，他什么都不会，却自以为很厉害。在昨天的会议上……”

“He’s so scattered,” Frank griped about Brandon, “He’ll waltz into a meeting — late, mind you — and share his most recent idea, which is often a complete distraction from our current plan. Totally ignoring our agenda. And then he’ll micromanage everything we do, reorganizing our work — though we’re still accountable for the stuff he’s ignoring. And that’s not the worst. The worst is he’s completely clueless. He thinks he’s great. At yesterday’s meeting . . .”

弗兰克不是唯一一个向我抱怨的 Jambo 员工。那周早些时候，我和另外几名员工还有几位董事会成员交谈发现，他们不仅在抱怨布兰登，也在抱怨彼此。

This was not the only complaining I heard from people at Jambo. Earlier that week I had spoken to several others, as well as a few members of the Board. And they weren’t just complaining about Brandon — they were complaining about each other as well.

我也和布兰登直接交谈过，他和弗兰克所说的一样，认为自己是个很有魄力的领导者。同时，他也在抱怨弗兰克和其他一些员工，还吐槽董事会。

I also spoke directly with Brandon who, just as Frank said, thought of himself as a very strong leader. Meanwhile, he had a mouthful of complaints about Frank and some of the other staff. He also complained about the Board.

那周，我花在倾听 Jambo 员工互相抱怨上的时间，加起来总共有3小时45分钟，而且这还只是他们向我抱怨所花的时间。

I added up all the time I’d spent listening to people at Jambo complain about each other that week: 3 hours and 45 minutes. And that was just the time they spent complaining to me.

遗憾的是，这样的事绝非少见。我的朋友、执行教练界传奇人物马歇尔·戈德史密斯（Marshall Goldsmith）对200名客户进行了访谈，发现“大部分员工每个月会花上超过10个小时抱怨（或者听别人抱怨）老板或高管。更令人惊讶的是，近三分之一的员工每个月抱怨的时长超过20个小时。”这个发现虽然跟他早前读过的研究一致，但他还是难以相信。

This is, unfortunately, not unusual. My friend, the legendary executive coach Marshall Goldsmith, interviewed more than 200 of his clients and what he discovered matched previous research he read, but found hard to believe: “a majority of employees spend 10 or more hours per month complaining — or listening to others complain — about their bosses or upper management. Even more amazing, almost a third spend 20 hours or more per month doing so.”

而这一分析结果，还不包括员工抱怨同事、下属。这虽然难以置信，但是只要注意一下你在上班时所经历的事，你会发现这个结果相当准确。

And that doesn’t even include the complaining they do about their peers and employees. Which would be hard to believe if not for the fact that, if you pay attention to what you experience during your day, you’d find it’s pretty accurate.

想象一下，如果员工能够少花时间抱怨，工作效率肯定会提高。

Imagine the productivity gain of reducing all those complaining hours.

我们为什么会抱怨别人呢？

Why do we complain about other people?

事情是这样发生的：当别人惹毛我们时，我们就会对这个人的行为感到不满。我们可能会生气、恼怒、觉得受到威胁，而这些感觉会化成能量，在身体中积累起来，产生不适（所以它才称之为“感觉”——因为它真的会被身体感觉到）。

Here’s what happens: Someone annoys us. We’re dissatisfied with how they’re behaving. Maybe we’re angry, frustrated, or threatened. Those feelings build up as energy in our bodies, literally creating physical discomfort (that’s why we call them feelings — because we actually, physically, feel them).

当我们抱怨别人的时候，不舒服的感觉会开始消散，因为抱怨会把压抑下来的能量释放出去。所以我们才说：“我在发泄”、“我在发闷气”。（但是，发泄不只会释放能量，还会使能量扩散，从而使它变得更强——我们稍后将作进一步讲解。）

When we complain about someone else, the uncomfortable feelings begin to dissipate because complaining releases the pent up energy. That’s why we say things like “I’m venting” or “I’m blowing off steam” (But, as we’ll see in a moment, that dissipation doesn’t just release the energy, it spreads it, which actually makes it grow).

此外，我们几乎一定会向一些好像与我们有着同感的人抱怨，而我们对这类人抱怨，是为了寻求安慰、友情、联系感、支持和合理化。这样，负面情绪就会被新鲜的正面情绪抵消掉。

Additionally, when we complain to people who seem to agree with us — and we almost always complain to people who seem to agree with us — we solicit comfort, camaraderie, connection, support, and justification, which counteracts the bad feelings with some fresh, new good ones.

抱怨能平衡体内的正、负能量，至少能在短时间内让我们觉得舒服一些。这个过程其实相当可靠，甚至还会让人上瘾。

Complaining changes the balance of negative/positive energy and, for a brief moment at least, we feel better. It’s actually a pretty reliable process. Addictive even.

问题就出在这里：就像所有的成瘾一样，一旦染上“抱怨瘾”，除了会浪费时间之外，还会形成永无止尽的恶性循环。虽然释放压力的感觉很好，但这种感觉稍纵即逝。事实上，我们抱怨得越多，随着时间的推移，恼怒情绪就越有可能不断增加。

Which is the problem (beyond even the wasted time): Like just about all addictions, we’re feeding the spin of a destructive, never-ending cycle. The release of pressure — the good feeling — is ephemeral. In fact, the more we complain, the more likely the frustration, over time, will increase.

原因是：用抱怨来释放压抑的情绪，实际上是在向周围释放负能量。我们几乎不会向被抱怨对象说出内心的感受，而是会向家人朋友抱怨。我们抱怨不是为了解决问题，而是为了寻找盟友。我们抱怨，不是为了找出有助于问题解决的办法，而是为了发泄闷气。

Here’s why: when we release the pent up energy by complaining, we’re releasing it sideways. We almost never complain directly to the person who is catalyzing our complaints, we complain to our friends and families. We’re not having direct conversations to solve a problem, we’re seeking allies. We’re not identifying actions that could help, we’re, almost literally, blowing off steam.

除了上面提到的会浪费时间之外，抱怨还会形成几个不良后果：导致员工分成派别；使对话变得低效，防止或延误有效沟通；加重人们的不满情绪；激怒别人；破坏信任；还有可能使抱怨者的态度显得消极。当我们抱怨时，不但会成为问题本身，还会在不经意间对企业文化产生负面影响。

Complaining creates a number of dysfunctional side effects (again, beyond the time wasted): It creates factions, prevents or delays — because it replaces — productive engagement, reinforces and strengthens dissatisfaction, riles up others, breaks trust, and, potentially, makes the complainer appear negative. We become the cancer we’re complaining about; the negative influence that seeps into the culture.

更糟的是，一开始令我们恼怒的事情，只会因为我们的抱怨变得更具危害性、更令人愤怒。

Worse, our complaining amplifies the destructiveness and annoyance of the initial frustration about which we’re complaining.

想想看：有人在会议上大声呼喝。后来你参加了第二场会议，那里没有人叫嚣，但你却在会议上埋怨之前叫嚣的那个人。现在，其他人即使没有参加第一场会议，也感受到了有人大声吵嚷的场面，于是也被激怒了。有了他们的支持，你受到了鼓励，导致原本只是在短暂发泄的你，变得更为义愤填膺。当你越来越生气时，开始的那种不舒服再次涌上了心头。

Think about it: someone yells in a meeting. Then you go to the next meeting (where no one is yelling) and you complain about the person who just yelled. Now other people, who weren’t at the initial meeting, feel the impact of the yelling and get upset about it too. Encouraged by their support, your brief, momentary release transforms into righteous indignation and, becoming even more incensed, you experience the initial uncomfortable feelings all over again.

换句话说，负能量会在消散的过程中蔓延。你会花费很多时间去思考这件事，有时候甚至花上数日、数周，而思考和讨论这件事的人数也因为你的抱怨而增加了。 

In other words, while the energy dissipates, it expands. The amount of time you spend thinking about it extends for hours, sometimes days and weeks. And you’ve multiplied the people who are also thinking and talking about it.

与此同时，我们的抱怨改善不了任何事。

Meanwhile, our complaining improves, precisely, nothing.

其实，这可能就是抱怨的最大问题：抱怨是不作为的暴力行为。它取代了行动需求。如果我们不抱怨，而是允许自己感受到负能量，没有立刻消除，我们就可以利用这股能量。这种表现需要的是，我所谓的“情感勇气”。有了情感勇气，我们就疏通体内的负能量，避免它泄露。

In fact, that might be the biggest problem: Complaining is a violent move to inaction. It replaces the need to act. If instead of complaining, we allowed ourselves to feel the energy without needing to dissipate it immediately — which requires what I call emotional courage — then we could put that energy to good use. We could channel it so it doesn’t leak out sideways.

换句话说，让这种不舒服的感受促使你采取有效的行动，而不是抱怨。

In other words, let the uncomfortable feeling you have — the one that would otherwise lead you to complain — lead you to take a productive action.

当我们想抱怨的时候，有什么做法比抱怨更好呢？

What’s a better move when we feel like complaining?

尽管去抱怨吧。只是，你要直接向促使你抱怨的人抱怨，而且抱怨前要先经过深思熟虑。

Go ahead and complain. Just do it directly — and thoughtfully — to the person who is the cause of your complaints.

当有人在会议上大声呼喝时，你就要和这个人沟通。要是对方听不进去，那就与他的老板交谈。如果你不喜欢这个主意，你就要在状况发生时说：“慢着，希望我们可以在谈话中互相尊重。”要是在当下错过了机会，就要在事后找对方去告诉他：“希望我们以后交谈时可以互相尊重。”

Talk to the person who yelled in the meeting. If that person doesn’t listen, talk to their boss. If you don’t like that idea, then, when it actually happens, say “Hold on. Let’s respect each other in this conversation.” If you missed the opportunity in the moment, then meet with them afterwards and say, “Please let’s respect each other in our conversations.”

当然，这么做也是需要“情感勇气”的。这样的事不但做起来很可怕，而且风险更高。正因如此，培养情感勇气是值得的——虽然做起来很可怕，但却很可能非常有效。一开始形成问题的东西，有可能因为你的情感勇气而改变。你不但不会成为负面影响，还会成为领导者。

That, of course, also takes emotional courage. It’s a scary, more risky thing to do. But it’s why it’s worth developing your emotional courage — because, while scary, it’s far more likely to be highly productive. It holds the potential for changing the thing that’s the problem in the first place. And rather than become the negative influence, you become the leader.

要想勇敢地走这条路的话，你就要让抱怨的冲动激发你在当下采取行动（或者，要是错过了当下时机的话，就在稍后采取行动）：

If you want to brave this route, let your urge to complain be the trigger that drives you to take action in the moment (or, if you missed the moment, then shortly after):

1. Notice the adrenaline spike or the can-you-believe-that-just-happened feeling (e.g., someone yelling in a meeting).
2. Breathe and feel your feelings about the situation so that they don’t overwhelm you or shut you down. Notice that you can stay grounded even in difficult situations (e.g., feel, without reacting).
3. Understand the part about what’s actually happening that is complain-worthy (e.g., it’s not okay to yell and disrespect others in a meeting).
4. Decide what you can do to draw a boundary, ask someone to shift their behavior, or otherwise improve the situation (e.g., “Please let’s respect each other in our conversations.”)
5. Follow through on your idea (e.g., actually say: “Please let’s respect each other in our conversations.”)

比起抱怨，这样的做法虽然困难得多，但是绝对有效得多，而且更有价值。

It’s not nearly as easy as complaining. But it will be far more productive and valuable.

对此，你可能会抗议：等等，我之所以抱怨，全都是因为我在这件事上无能为力。他是我老板，总不能叫他尊重我吧？

But wait, you might protest, the whole reason I’m complaining is that I’m powerless in this situation. I can’t tell the person to be respectful because they’re my boss.

你可能说得对——大多数人抱怨都是因为自己觉得无助。

You may be right. It’s true that most people complain because they feel powerless.

但是，大多数人在困境中所拥有的能力，比自己想象中还要大，就连涉及老板的时候也一样。而且，冒着险去说某些话，有可能是值得的。你可以说：”我知道你很生气，但你这样子让我受不了。我们说话可不可以更柔和一些呢？”

It’s also true that most people have more power in a situation than they believe they have, even with their boss. And, just maybe, it could be worth the risk to say something. You could say “I see that you’re very angry and I can feel how it’s shutting me down. Can we go a little more gently here?”

不过，这样做是在冒险，因为对方可能会进一步被激怒。

It’s a risk. Because the person may blow up even more.

但另一个可能结果是，你的一句话不仅会让你收获对方的尊重，还能改变领导者和组织的方向，也因为你这一句话，连续几周的怨声载道，变成了有效对话。

Or it may gain you their respect and, in one sentence, change the direction of the leader and the organization. And transform what could have become weeks of complaining into a moment of productive engagement.

我曾经不止一次目睹过有人敢于直截了当地说出不满，但也向对方表现出关怀、同情和坦诚，从而获得了会议室内所有人的尊重。几乎每一次，所有人都对冒犯者的反应感到惊讶，冒犯者比人们想象中更愿意接受反馈。不是每一次，是几乎每一次。

More than once I have seen someone gain the respect of everyone in the room because they were courageous enough to be direct — caringly, compassionately, and truthfully. And almost always, everyone is surprised by the offending person’s response, who, almost always, was more open to the feedback than they thought. Not always. But almost always.

抱怨的行为，还有导致抱怨行为的那股感觉，都是一种警讯，代表某些地方出了问题。不过，你对此很可能并不是无能为力。

Let complaining — and the feeling that leads to complaining — be the red flag that it should be: something wrong is happening and you are probably not powerless to do something about it.

Jambo 的情况正是这样：弗兰克不但停止抱怨，还采取行动——告诉布兰登，他的行为对大家产生了影响。一开始，布兰登试图为自己辩解，但是很快，他开始到处请教，结果发现自己的行为影响了整个团队，而自己却浑然不觉。

That’s what happened at Jambo, when Frank shifted from complaining to acting and told Brandon about the impact he was having. At first Brandon was defensive, but soon enough he began to ask questions and realized that he had a blind spot for how he was impacting the team.

事情不一定会这样进展，但这样的事发生的频率，可能让你觉得惊讶。

It won’t always work like that, but you may be surprised how often it will.