Can We Make Middle Age Less Miserable?

今天是我47岁的生日。早上6点45起床，为我15岁的小孩泡好燕麦，找到了13岁小朋友的滑冰袋，清理了丈夫的湿毛巾，叠好一堆衣服后开始洗另一堆。我的父母打电话，问我们之前几次聊天提过的同样的问题：我会怎么庆祝？我（不变的）回答是：工作一天，花三个小时接送小孩，还有返校之夜。祝我生日快乐！

Today is my 47th birthday. This morning I got up at 6:45, made oatmeal for my 15-year-old, located my 13-year-old’s skating bag, cleared my husband’s wet towel from the banister, folded one load of laundry and started another. My parents called and asked the same question they’d posed the past few times we’d talked: How would I celebrate? My (unchanged) answer: A day of work, three hours of kid chauffeuring, and back-to-school night. Happy birthday to me!

你也许能看出来，我正处于社会学家所说的幸福感U型曲线的最低点——没有青春期的高能量和高期待，陷于严肃的工作和家庭责任，等待着年龄增长带来对生活的喜悦和感激。我的朋友也都差不多。这个生命的季节难道不让人悲伤吗？我们的脸上有了皱纹，皮肤下垂，身体摇晃又疼痛，职业生涯停滞不前。我们的婚姻尘埃落定，变得陈旧或失败。我们的孩子长大后离家远去，而长辈却每况愈下，也会去世。

As you can perhaps tell, I’m at the nadir of what sociologists call the U curve of happiness—absent the high energy and expectations of youth, mired in serious job and family responsibilities, and awaiting the upswing of joyful appreciation for life that apparently comes with old age. All my friends are in the same spot. And why wouldn’t this season of life make us sad? Our faces wrinkle and sag. Our bodies jiggle and ache. Our careers plateau. Our marriages settle, go stale, or fail. Our kids grow up and leave. Our elders deteriorate and pass away.

但是中年一定要这么苦闷吗？几本新书和一个播客明确了几种原因——特别是对于女性，她们总是扮演照顾角色，而且面临着越来越不实际的审美标准。不过这些作品也为如何改善这种经历提供了大量建议。于是我决定了解一下这些作品，写下这篇文章，与大家分享心得。

But does midlife have to be so miserable? Several new books and a podcast acknowledge all the reasons it can be—particularly for women, who typically play caregiving roles and face increasingly unrealistic beauty standards. And yet these works also offer plentiful advice on how to improve the experience. So I decided to read and listen and then write this article to share what I learned.

两个题目引起了我的注意，因为它们恰好击中了我这样中年女性的日常感受。身在英国的作家维多利亚·史密斯（Victoria Smith）的《魔女》（Hags）调查了我们的同龄人通常是怎样被忽视和诋毁的。领导力教练露西·瑞安（Lucy Ryan）的《叛逆女性》（Revolting Women）让我惊讶的是，它没有关注我们在某个年龄被认为是多么没有吸引力（假设没有填充或疯狂的锻炼），而是关注50岁以上的职业女性是如何反击低估她们的企业体系的。

Two titles caught my eye because they hit on exactly how middle-aged ladies like me are often made to feel. Hags, by the UK-based writer Victoria Smith, investigates how our cohort is usually ignored but also vilified. Revolting Women, by the leadership coach Lucy Ryan, surprised me by focusing not on how unappealing we’re deemed to be at a certain age (assuming no fillers or crazy workouts) but on how professional women over 50 are fighting back against a corporate system that undervalues them.

这两本书都质疑了对女性在中年可以或应该如何行事持有无知观点的人。但它们也呼吁我们为自己挺身而出。史密斯写道：“在要求获得空间之前，我们不必代表、成为或让位于其他人。”

Both books call out those who hold ill-informed views about how women can or should act in midlife. But they also call on us to stand up for ourselves. We “do not have to represent, include, or step aside for every other person before we claim space,” Smith writes.

播客《比我聪明》（Wiser Than Me）由总是很有趣的茱莉亚·路易斯-德瑞弗斯（Julia Louis-Dreyfus）主持，以更轻松个人化的方式探讨了类似主题。“为什么我们没有听到更多年长女性的声音？”的问题促使她推出了这个节目，也是她想纠正的现象。她采访了10位著名的、神话般的女性，从简·方达（Jane Fonda）职业生涯的三“幕”（the three “acts”），到作家谭恩美（Amy Tan）谈道歉。

The podcast Wiser Than Me, hosted by the always funny Julia Louis-Dreyfus, addresses similar themes in a lighter, more personal way. “Why the hell don’t we hear more from older women?” was the question that prompted her to launch the show and the problem that she wanted to rectify. She interviewed 10 famous, fabulous women, from Jane Fonda on the three “acts” of her career to the author Amy Tan on apologies.

听播客的过程有趣又令人深受启发；《魔女》和《叛逆女性》提供了令人信服的论点和有用建议，特别是对于渴望更好发挥有经验女性人才价值的组织领导人。但这三个人都忽略了中年的一个关键问题：男人也在与之斗争。

It’s a fun and inspiring listen; and Hags and Revolting Women offer compelling arguments and useful recommendations, especially for organizational leaders keen to do a better job at making the most of experienced female talent. But all three ignore one key thing about middle age: Men struggle mightily with it too.

比如奇普·康利（Chip Conley）。他是一位酒店业企业家，之后成为Airbnb的顾问，不仅经历了中年危机（恋情和生意失败），他的五个四五十岁的男性朋友还因自杀而离开了他。这也是他创立现代长者学院（Modern Elder Academy）的部分原因——这是一个帮助人们拥抱和规划中年过渡的机构。他还撰写了《学会热爱中年》（Learning to Love Midlife）一书。

Take it from Chip Conley. A hotel industry entrepreneur and later an adviser to Airbnb, he not only endured his own midlife crisis (as his romantic partnership and business faltered) but also lost five men friends in their forties or fifties to suicide. That’s partly why he founded the Modern Elder Academy—an institution that helps people embrace and plan for midlife transitions—and wrote Learning to Love Midlife.

虽然这本书包含大量复杂隐喻（仅在引言中，中年就被描述为我们从毛毛虫过渡到授粉蝴蝶的蛹，“烦恼之源上的桥梁”，以及改变人生蓝图的生命之屋的中庭增建部分），康利依然提供了一些犀利见解。忙于照看十几岁的孩子、年迈的父母和繁重的工作不是我们唯一要面对的问题。相反，他写道：“人到中年，我们会开始担心生活没有按照预期发展。”

While the book presents a jumble of mixed metaphors (in just the introduction middle age is described as a chrysalis where we transition from consumptive caterpillar to pollinating butterfly, “a bridge over troubled water,” and an atrium addition to the house of life that changes its blueprint), Conley offers some sharp insights. For example, the busyness of managing teenage kids, aging parents, and big jobs isn’t our only problem. Rather, he writes, “midlife is when we begin to worry that life isn’t turning out the way we expected.”

他说，我们需要改变心态。是的，我们选择了特定道路，所以其他路已经走不通了。（对不起说了第四个比喻。）但是还有更多机会的大门向我们敞开。是的，我们被淹没了，但往往是被我们珍视的人和活动所淹没。没错，我们的肌肉、视力和对细节的记忆都有所下降，但我们变得“更睿智、更稳重、更慷慨”。我们是“模式识别高手”“更加了解自己”。我们有更高质量的友谊，“我们的移情能力也在飙升”。他指出，亚里士多德认为身体的完美年龄是35岁，而灵魂的完美年龄则是49岁。

We need a mindset shift, he argues. Yes, we’ve chosen certain paths, so others are no longer accessible. (Sorry for a fourth metaphor.) But many more are still open to us. Yes, we’re swamped, but it’s often with people and activities we value. Yes, our muscle tone, eyesight, and recall for details are diminished. But we’re becoming “wiser, less reactive, more generous.” We’re “masters at pattern recognition” and “more self-aware.” We have higher-quality friendships, and “our capacity for empathy soars.” He notes that Aristotle believed the body was perfect at age 35, the soul at 49.

康利现在认为，中年是磨练，或与身体、情感、心理、职业和精神自我和解的时期。他制定了10项承诺，以保证自己既能享受这段人生时光，又能通过这段时光成为一个更好的人。你应该已经听过第一项承诺的其他版本，不过还是值得重复一下：“我承诺在生活中更加重视人生最终的悼词，而不是现在的简历”。我个人最喜欢的？“让人们注意到我的活力而不是皱纹”。但对于《哈佛商业评论》的读者来说，最贴切的也许是这句：不要再认为你的工作（成就）、别人对你的评价（形象）、你所拥有的（地位）和你所控制的（权力）是你的全部。而是问问自己，“你代表了什么，你帮助了谁，你播下了什么种子，你希望人们如何记住你？”然后在漫长的后半生中，投入相应的时间和精力。

Conley now sees middle age as a time for honing, or making peace with, our physical, emotional, mental, vocational, and spiritual selves. He set out 10 commitments to ensure that he would both enjoy this time of life and become a better person through it. The first you’ve no doubt heard a version of before, but it bears repeating: “I commit to living a life more focused on my eventual eulogy than my current résumé.” My personal favorite? “Show up [so that] people will notice my energy more than my wrinkles.” But perhaps the most pertinent for HBR readers is this: Stop believing you are what you do (achievement), what others say about you (image), what you have (status), and what you control (power). Instead, ask, “What do you stand for, who have you helped, what seeds have you planted, and how do you want to be remembered?” And then, for the long second half of your life, invest your time and energy accordingly.

凯伦‧沃尔伦德（Karen Walrond）是另一个追求更好中年的战士。在《辐射叛乱》（Radiant Rebellion）中，这位律师、领导力教练和活动家讲述了她在临近55岁生日、20周年结婚纪念日和女儿上大学之际感受到的“奇异的不安”。然而，她并没有沉湎于此，而是加入了“反对年龄歧视的斗争”（以及价值 370 亿美元的全球抗衰老行业），并发誓要更加“心怀感激、充满深情且目标明确地”前进。

Karen Walrond is another crusader for better middle age. In Radiant Rebellion, the lawyer, leadership coach, and activist recounts the “bizarre disquiet” she felt as she approached her 55th birthday, 20th wedding anniversary, and daughter’s departure for college. However, rather than wallow, she joined “the fight against ageism” (and the $37 billion global antiaging industry) and vowed to move forward more “gratefully, soulfully, and purposefully.”

和康利一样，她希望中年是“进化”而不是“即将衰退”的时期。她也强调了与自身和社区建立联系的重要性，这与康利关于情感真实和有意义关系的长期益处的观点不谋而合。最后，她建议用“火花宣言”（spark statement）来设想你想要的未来。她的结束语是：“希望通过接受所有获得成长、游戏和……冒险的机会，我可以过上广阔的生活。”

Like Conley, she wants midlife to be a time of “evolution,” not “impending decline.” She, too, emphasizes the importance of connecting with oneself and a community, echoing Conley’s notes on emotional truth and the long-term benefits of meaningful relationships. Finally, she suggests envisioning the future you want with a “spark statement.” Hers ends with “May I model living an expansive life, by accepting all opportunities for cultivating growth, play, and…adventure.”

她借用朋友的一个比喻结束了这本书：“我喜欢用万花筒象征我们年龄的想法：尝试细微调整，期待一个美丽形象的新启示。”

She concludes the book with another metaphor, borrowed from a friend: “I love the idea of a kaleidoscope as a symbol for the way we…age:…experimenting with slight adjustments, fully expecting a new revelation of a beautiful image.”

这个项目确实让我对在未来的岁月里找到快乐更加充满希望。万花筒或蛹，第二幕或中庭，桥梁或曲折的小路，也许中年并没有那么糟糕？

This project has indeed left me feeling more hopeful about finding delight in the days and decades to come. Kaleidoscope or chrysalis, second act or atrium, bridge or winding path, maybe middle age isn’t so bad after all?

艾莉森·比尔德（Alison Beard）| 文 

艾莉森·比尔德是《哈佛商业评论》英文版副主编。

飞书、DeepL | 译   孙燕 | 编辑